There is something keeping me in this flux of living, making those gray and black parts of myself surface from time to time even though I don’t want them to. I have made commitments that I didn’t keep. Bought milk and let it spoil. Cut the kiwi too far away from the skin. I stayed stagnant when I should have been in action. But you kept me close. I very much wanted to love you.
Sometimes I ask you what you are thinking. It’s not necessarily me wanting to know how fast your clock ticks; it’s more of a prompt to myself. What am I thinking? Why am I here? It comes out automatically, my voice forming vowels in a wet mouth, as thoughtless as a sigh with no meaning. Sometimes I lie on top of your back in order to feel the warmth that radiates from within you. Your warmth is a little vignette, something small that I could hold onto forever. I feel that we are a still life; like I am the huge, golden peaches just starting to ripen and you are the worn, brown, earthen bowl.
I remember wanting to kiss the ground at your feet, and I remember myself, rising from my knees in glory, hair like a halo askew, lips swollen and berry-pink, eyes low and full, asking you to just see that I care for you. Close those eyes and feel that. Let me press at your ear, something soft, but almost a bite. Let me protect you. Protect me as well. Keep me close and in your sight at all times. Feel that. Hold me like a bowl holds its fruit. Touch me everywhere. Wonder why you are here, though it can’t be for any other reason than because the sun is ever-smiling. And I lie on your back and let my eyes focus in to memorize the shade of your brown skin, and squeeze you always tighter as if pressure alone could keep this from shifting. As if stillness could be made permanent. As if I have never let anything spoil before.
I’m Adia Sinead, a designer and writer. Marginalia is for the woman in the quiet, uncomfortable work of unbecoming what she was taught to be — through essays and reflections on intimacy, self-authorship, and returning to yourself.
this was such a beautiful piece, i love your imagery and the sensory details - it felt comforting, almost like the warmth from your words was radiating through the screen. i loved this!
Absolutely beautiful